Transcript of: Ye Olde Quest for the Golden Chalice, Part 1
Off panel voice: Good morning! My friend and I are gonna need some MEGA WEAPONS 'cause we're heading down to the Unholy Bog Labyrinth to search for the legendary GOLDEN CHALICE!
Off panel voice 2: It be true.
Sign: Ye olde swords and shit
Shopkeeper: But only 2 of you?? Surely know you the perils of the labyrinth?! Would not a larger group be advantageous?
Sign: All sales final
Man-wanter: Well, we asked around at the tavern but due to ye olde prejudice there were not any sturdy warriors willing to fight alongside a uterus-haver and a man-wanter.
Shopkeeper: A shame. You would think that the success of that ring fellowship would have opened peoples minds toward YOUR kin at least!
Man-wanter: Indeed. But we are quite comfortable as an unconventional dungeon party.
Uterus-haver: Yeah, more golden chalice for us!
Uterus-haver: Hey, what's this awesome thing?? I kinda LIKE it!
Shopkeeper: Ah, that is a new weapon of my own devising. It is a traditional javelin on which is mounted a proprietary amalgamation of mechanism and sorcery which I have named the "viewing screen." there is a mace version also.
Shopkeeper: Behold. The viewing screen is activated and displays "programs" likely to appeal to one's enemy – who becomes instantly distracted by it and is thus easily felled in combat. Too mesmerized he will be by the images on-screen to defend himself from the imminent impaling or bludgeoning!
Uterus-haver: That's MEGA COOL!! What kind of "programs" are they?
Shopkeeper: Oh it is all custom pro-gramming. Documentary features about helmets. Round table discussions about the merits of various helmet types. A game-show wherein wagons are raced down an 80° incline for the prize of a new helmet. And a situational comedy wherein a helmetsmith is forced under improbable circumstances to lodge with a crossbow maker – with amusing results. Have a look!
Helmet smith: Art thou eating cereal out of mine helmet?!
Crossbow maker: Before thou become enraged, ask thyself: whose turn was it to cleanse the dishes?
Uterus haver: !
Helmet smith: Bah! Where art mine pants?!
Man-wanter: Tell no-one, but he who portrays the helmetsmith is a man-wanter also.
Uterus-haver: Really?! I would NOT have guessed..!
Uterus haver: That's MEGA distracting – I LOVE it! How much??
Man-wanter: Yes, may we purchase these new and innovative items?
Shopkeeper: No, my friends – these particular items are not for sale as yet.
Shopkeeper: The potential for these weapons I feel is so great that I can not risk having them fall into sinister hands. Should the ill-intentioned and resource-full gain use of the viewing screen then entire lands could easily be subjugated – perhaps even from within. So you understand my concern.
Uterus-haver: Oh, yeah – absolutely!
Man-wanter: Yes, one would want to avoid that.
Mouseover text: part two coming summer 2057
Image title: yeoldefuckingwhatever.jpg