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Ye Olde Part One

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Transcript of: Ye Olde Quest for the Golden Chalice, Part 1

Panel 1

Off panel voice: Good morning! My friend and I are gonna need some MEGA WEAPONS 'cause we're heading down to the Unholy Bog Labyrinth to search for the legendary GOLDEN CHALICE!

Off panel voice 2: It be true.

Sign: Ye olde swords and shit

Panel 2

Shopkeeper: But only 2 of you?? Surely know you the perils of the labyrinth?! Would not a larger group be advantageous?

Sign: All sales final

Panel 3

Man-wanter: Well, we asked around at the tavern but due to ye olde prejudice there were not any sturdy warriors willing to fight alongside a uterus-haver and a man-wanter.

Panel 4

Shopkeeper: A shame. You would think that the success of that ring fellowship would have opened peoples minds toward YOUR kin at least!

Man-wanter: Indeed. But we are quite comfortable as an unconventional dungeon party.

Uterus-haver: Yeah, more golden chalice for us!

Panel 5

Uterus-haver: Hey, what's this awesome thing?? I kinda LIKE it!

Shopkeeper: Ah, that is a new weapon of my own devising. It is a traditional javelin on which is mounted a proprietary amalgamation of mechanism and sorcery which I have named the "viewing screen." there is a mace version also.

Panel 6

Shopkeeper: Behold. The viewing screen is activated and displays "programs" likely to appeal to one's enemy – who becomes instantly distracted by it and is thus easily felled in combat. Too mesmerized he will be by the images on-screen to defend himself from the imminent impaling or bludgeoning!

Uterus-haver: That's MEGA COOL!! What kind of "programs" are they?

Panel 7

Shopkeeper: Oh it is all custom pro-gramming. Documentary features about helmets. Round table discussions about the merits of various helmet types. A game-show wherein wagons are raced down an 80° incline for the prize of a new helmet. And a situational comedy wherein a helmetsmith is forced under improbable circumstances to lodge with a crossbow maker – with amusing results. Have a look!

Panel 8

Helmet smith: Art thou eating cereal out of mine helmet?!

Crossbow maker: Before thou become enraged, ask thyself: whose turn was it to cleanse the dishes?

Uterus haver: !

Panel 9

Helmet smith: Bah! Where art mine pants?!

Man-wanter: Tell no-one, but he who portrays the helmetsmith is a man-wanter also.

Uterus-haver: Really?! I would NOT have guessed..!

Panel 10

Uterus haver: That's MEGA distracting – I LOVE it! How much??

Man-wanter: Yes, may we purchase these new and innovative items?

Shopkeeper: No, my friends – these particular items are not for sale as yet.

Panel 11

Shopkeeper: The potential for these weapons I feel is so great that I can not risk having them fall into sinister hands. Should the ill-intentioned and resource-full gain use of the viewing screen then entire lands could easily be subjugated – perhaps even from within. So you understand my concern.

Uterus-haver: Oh, yeah – absolutely!

Man-wanter: Yes, one would want to avoid that.

Mouseover text: part two coming summer 2057

Image title: yeoldefuckingwhatever.jpg

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