Transcript of: Atheist Apocalypse
Pre-panel: Behold the mind-rending horror of... The Atheist Apocalypse!
Man: So I was like, "Fine, but SOMEONE'S gonna notice that you have mismatching socks." There's always one strange person going around staring at people's feet! Why d'you think everyone spends so much money on shoes? It's cause of that one strange person at every dinner party!
Zoe: Heh. Totally, man.
Newspaper headline: 1 in 4 U.S. teen girls have STD, study says
Man: Hey, do you hear something – like a great and terrible fanfare?
Zoe: Yeah... an' is it just me or's the ground kinda shaking?
*TAN-TA RAAA TA-RAAA TAN-TAN TA-RAAA*
Man: Holy shit, the legends were actually true – it's the freakin apocalypse!! God has sent the four horsemen to destroy the earth or whatever!!
Zoe: Oh, harsh! I'm totally a sinner, too!
Horseman: NO. "God" did not send us!
Man: Then wh-who did..?
Science horseman: No-one!! We held a calm rational debate and came to the consensus that we should initiate DOOMSDAY!! For we are the four horseman of the ATHIEST apocalypse! The world as you know it ends this day!
Science horseman: I am SCIENCE! No more shall ignorance handicap mankind's potential! No more shall personal incredulity preclude the intake of knowledge! This day, torrents of money shall flow into scientific research FOR THE BETTERMENT OF ALL!! Medical advancements in stem cells and other areas will BRING DISEASE AND DISABILITY TO AN END and GIVE HOPE TO THE HOPELESS, and will hinder the aging process so that you will live FOR A REALLY LONG TIME! And you shall realize how lucky you are to be alive and will make the most of your time on earth! The LOVELINESS of the natural world shall overwhelm you, the elegance of the evolutionary process shall captivate you and bring a tear to your eye, AND YOUR HEARTS SHALL FILL WITH WONDER AND INSPIRATION AT THE BEAUTY AND MYSTERY OF THE UNIVERSE!!
Progress horseman: I am PROGRESS! This day ENDS the petty and tragic conflicts of mankind! The people of the Balkans shall bear witness to a great upheaval, and they shall link hands in A MASSIVE AND GLEEFUL UNITY! Those in northern Ireland WILL LAY DOWN THEIR PREJUDICES and play football in the streets! The middle east will erupt in a frenzy of SPONTANEOUS BEACH PARTIES AND BARBECUES as past conflicts are ground into the dust of the earth! The borders of Kashmir will disappear for all time in A SEA OF MUTUAL EMBRACE! The gays and lesbians of Iran shall LEAP FROM THE SHADOWS INTO THE WELCOMING ARMS OF THEIR COUNTRYMEN! FOR ALL SHALL COME A BETTER TOMORROW!
Reason horseman: I am REASON! Hear my cry of BASIC COMMON SENSE and FORWARD-THINKINGNESS! LOGIC shall rule the seven continents with an entirely-tolerable fist! Superstition and supernatural beliefs will be superceded by EVIDENCE-BASED THINKING! You shall behave in a reasonable manner, and from this LOVE SHALL BLOOM! Meditation will unlock the potential of the mind! The Earth will rise up and swallow churches of Scientology! Sex education will not be based purely on abstainence! EMPATHY and UNDERSTANDING will run rampant through the streets! FACTS WILL STRADDLE THE EARTH AS A COLOSSUS, AND YOU SHALL LIVE IN THEIR SHADOW!!
Equality horseman: I am EQUALITY, and this day, this DOOMSDAY, brings an END to the witless subjugation of women and minorities! Regressive societal norms shall wither and die! Paradigms shall heave and shift until racist and sexist thinking are NO MORE! The genital mutilation of young girls will STOP! Birth control will be AVAILABLE TO ALL! The persecution of gays and lesbians will grind to a halt, and be looked on in retrospect as shameful and inhuman! AND WOMEN'S WAGES SHALL BOIL AND RISE until they are EQUAL TO THOSE OF MEN, the glass ceiling shall be cast into the searing flames of distant memory, AND THROUGH THIS EMANCIPATION OF THE FEMALE, POVERTY WILL END FOREVER! FOREVER!!
Science Horseman: Now bear witness to this end of days and behold the new world which you shall inhabit! What you knew before is gone! GONE!! Lost to the ages!! Ahahahahahaha!!!
Background music: ...tiptoe... through the tulips...
Zoe: So... thumbs up for the apocalypse?
Newspaper headline: 1 in 400 U.S. teen girls have STD, study says
Poster: Would you like a free dictionary? Call the gideons at ...
Page title: The Horror...The...uh...horror?