Trancript of: Down at the Restaurant

Panel 1

Customer: Ah! Finally!

Panel 2

Waitress: I know, I'm really sorry it took so long. I was helping out in the kitchen, and the chef was making your soup and he goes "Do you have the Thyme?" And I thought he meant, like, the TIME, so I was like "6:55!" and he just lost it – He's like, a hardcore skinhead, with the boots and the headbutting, so he has kind of a short furse – and he threw one of the convection ovens at me, but it missed and it hit this open tin of rat poison – like one of those huge, old-fashioned rusty tins – that was on the edge of this rickety little wooden shelf above the stove and it tipped over and fell into a pot of soup – like, the ENTIRE tin – and we –

Panel 3

Customer: Rat poison fell in the soup?!?!

Waitress: No, No – YOUR soup came from a different pot. The poison fell into the pot NEXT to the one with your soup. Like, RIGHT next to it. Like, the two pots were TOUCHING. But there's no rat poison in your soup, don't worry. I'm almost positive there's no rat poison in it.

Panel 4

Customer: This is ludicrous!! And... and why do you need rat poison in the first place?!?

Panel 5

Waitress: Oh, we have a huge rat problem. Like, HUGE. Grasshoppers too. In fact, we have to kill so many rats that there's too many to dispose of – like, the garbage men won't take them all – so we glue the dead rats together and freeze them and we use them as replacement table legs. It's such a hassle, though, because they thaw pretty quickly and we have to keep refreezing them. Yours are looking pretty bad, actually. I'm gonna have to move you to a table with fresh legs.

Panel 6

Customer: Dear God..! I'm afraid to ask why you need so many replacement table legs...

Waitress: Oh well, there's these two rival groups of motorcycle enthusiasts who always come by for dinner at the exact same time – like, around this actually; yeah, right now, 7:30 – and they ALWAYS end up fighting and tons of furniture always gets broken. I don't know why they can't organize it so they eat at different times or even different restaurants, but, y'know, they like to abduct and kill so I stay out of it. They're these big bald guys – like, gigantic – and they're usually just HAMMERED before they even get here and the slightest thing just sets them off completely. I should probably just start calling a couple ambulances ahead of time, but y'know how it goes – if I do then it'll be the one time that no-one gets brutally impaled. Anyway, you don't need to worry, I can ask them to keep to one side of the room or something. I seriously doubt you'll get bludgeoned with a pipe wrench and have lit road flares jammed down your throat.

Panel 7

Customer: I feel faint...

Panel 8

Waitress: Relax – I'm just messing with you!!

Panel 9

Waitress: There's no rat poison, the chef's not a skinhead, there's no grasshoppers, there's no motorcycle enthusiasts, and you're not gonna get bludgeoned! I was totally kidding! Your soup was late because the stove shorted out and we had to change a fuse, and we'll be happy to give you a bottle of wine on the house with our apologies.

Panel 10

Customer: But the table legs ARE made of frozen rats.

Waitress: Yeah, but now you're too relieved to care, right??