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Down at the Post Office

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Transcript of: Down at the Post Office

Panel 1

PHG: Hi, do you sell letter openers?

Clerk: I can do you one better!

Panel 2

Clerk: We've actually been hearing a lot of complaints about the letter openers recently. You know, they're old fashined, they're awkward to use, and if they're sharp enough to slice paper then they're sharp enough to cause spontaneous disembowlings – that kind of thing. So we've just come out with this great new product – The Renvelope! (That's short for Reusable Envelope!)

Panel 3

PHG: Aw, that's a totally a neat idea, but -

Panel 4&5 <no text>

Panel 6

Clerk: Well, this is the envelope of the future! I'll explain how it works. It's basically a series of interlocking lucite sleeves that fit together so tightly that they allow for optimal letter protection without the need for a sealing compound, which in turn eliminates the need for a letter opener! Now, I know what you're gonna ask – If it's not actually sealed then it could be opened by any mail fraud artist, right? What's the deal?! Well, it gets better! The renvelope has an additional outer casing which is fortified with an unbreakable 200-digit combination lock – the combination known only to the sender of the renvelope! So, how does the recipient access the letter if it's locked? Well I'll tell you how! All you do is mail a series of 12 additional lockless renvelopes in two-day intervals following the mailing of the original renvelope. In each of these secondary renvelopes you just put a piece of paper with a numeric code on it, but 11 of the 12 will be dummy codes to throw off any criminals who might intercept them in an attempt to breach the original locked renvelope. The renvelope containing the true code is distinguished by a secret watermark that is scrambled with a secondary code that's known only to the sender and intended recipient of the mailings! This code you just transmit to the recipient one month ahead of time via a telegram – itself coded, of course, and then deciphered using a tertiary code system agreed upon beforehand by the two parties during, let's say, a series of deceptively unremarkable telephone conversations in the weeks leading up to the posting of the original locked renvelope in question. So – your letter is basically guaranteed to reach its destination unmolested, and to get at it all you do is just put in the master code, remove the outer casing, pull apart the various security sleeves, and voila, you've got your credit card bill or your valuable coupons or whatever! The renvelope comes in packs of 13, 39, or 117, and there's -

Panel 7

Clerk: Uh, are you alright..?

PHG: Holy cripes, this is SO weird! My arm is, like, moving by itself!!

Panel 8

PHG: What is -

Panel 9 <no text>

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