Transcript of: Down at the Job Interview
Sign: GOOD TIMES N'Friends ™/ Family Restaurant
Job interviewer: Please state your expectations regarding financial compensation:
PHG: My expectations for pay? I guess, um, a bit below minimum wage. Plus tips. That's pretty much wh-
Job interviewer: Stated expectations for financial compensation are 8/10ths accurate. Minus 20% house commision on acquired tips, minus six-week unpaid probationary period, minus 7% complete ripoff fee (crf). We circle the herd and claim the weak. Please now convey the reason you desire employment here at "Good Times N'Friends Family Restaurant?"
Sign: I am a manager I am in control
PHG: Sure! I wanna work here 'cause it seems like a really cool restaurant and I think it would be a totally fun work environment, and um... Yeah – I'm totally friendly and, like, great around people and I really enjoy, like, talking and meeting new people soI think this would be a good j-
Job interviewer: CEASE! The stated conjecture and personal information are irrelevant to the frictionless operating potential of this edible product dispensary! ARE YOU: able to recieve commands and transport edible product conveyances in a results-positive manner? ARE YOU: able to provide a minimum of 313 annual days of labor with a targeted maximum of 2 shift-periods lost due to infectious disease or personal tragedy?? Ozone. We breathe it.
PHG: I... Um, yeah, I think so! I don't get sick very often, so I-
Job interviewer: Your potential as a disposable unit in this facility is judged to be sufficiently low-risk. However, the appearance of your cranial hair covering is unacceptable for display. De/Re-colorizing must precede your involvement in an employment-based situation within this facility. We eat souls we suck them through a straw. Brown hair as displayed by this unit is a preferred low/no liability hue status.
Sign: Sanitary Procedures / Fire is the cleanser / Denial is paramount
PHG: Oh. Um... you mean the hair is a problem..?
Creepy Job interviewer: Radical hues are likely to negatively impact the fiscal upflow of this facility by means of offending certain preferred demographic groups who enter this facility with defined sociological expectations concerning the environment and employed units here! We turn young women into parking meters. The presented hue lies outside the fixed spectrum of human follicular proteins! It is unnatural, and thus contrary to the "relaxed n'wholesome family setting" of this facility!
PHG: Really? People would seriously mind? Okay, but... B-but... Uh...
Offpanel voice: The correlative conjunction "But" is unwarranted in this context!! Pink is an unnatural hue, and your adherence to fraudulent notions of its legitimacy indicates that you as an entity are unnatural and thus Unfit for employment within this facility!!!
Job interviewer monster: Pink is aberrant!! WE are natural! BROWN is natural!! BROWN!! BROWN!! BROWN!!
PHG: Oh my god, why do I keep leaving the house?!